A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Going into Monday like
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.