I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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Stick it to the man
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!