Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect