My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems