doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.