*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
This dude got his own movie?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time