[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The funk soul brother
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.