Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny