The Others (2001)
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?