Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers