they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
ok like just. call me at this point
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?