How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.