ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]