I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Ron is short for Aaronald
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
We’ve all been there…
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!