How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?