“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe