Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
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I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.