In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
🤣🤣🤣
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
How to draw a duck
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented