If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.