I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Effort made