I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
You Might Also Like
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My flabber has been gasted.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
X-tra spooky blend
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’