Some of y’all tomorrow …
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Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”