I’ve had worse
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …