BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds