Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
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Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Happy Halloween 🎃
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.