God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.