Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
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“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[montage of me giving-up]
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
what do you want!!!!!!!!
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch