John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me checking my bank balance online.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
The Birdles
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.