Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence