Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Yes my dude
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)