rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.