Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
That’s fair
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
3% human
97% stress
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point