[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
#Caturday
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*