Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
2 years later
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances