The only equipped I am is ill.
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Has there ever been a more American story?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Try and stop me.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper