Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me sliding into hell like
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”