I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.