what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
When he asks for feet pics
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.