I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?