cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
every. time.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.