ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
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BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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