Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶