In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
That was easy.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??