my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me driving through Toronto
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
That’s fair