My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys