If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven