Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
So we got a goldfish…
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.