I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
You Might Also Like
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
where do you see yourself in five years?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it