14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.