Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
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When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.